Über Haters Bad Movies

[Quick Overview: Bad guys kill someone close to Seagal, Seagal goes on a butt kicking/killing spree to get his revenge.]

So the movie starts out with a greasy haired pony tail wearing Native American Son Of A Bitch… oh I mean Steven Seagal. This time he plays the role of an awarding winning professor from Yale (it’s possible). As soon as we put this DVD in, it was great. The main menu looked like the boot up screen from a Sega Genesis game. After, we were done making the midi soundtrack, we started the movie.

The opening scene takes place in a strip club. Only, all of the dancers are completely dressed, except for some chic who is dancing in the street window naked... Whatever. Anyway, a shootout happens, but it lasts waaaay too long. I think they just looped a 10 second clip about 4 times, but from different camera angles. Next, we cut to Seagal’s character in China searching for artifacts. He finds out the bad guys are smuggling drugs in his artifacts, so they chase him down guns a’blazin and kill his assistant. Border patrol picks him up and tries to pin on him numerous counts of smuggling, and murder. Wwehehehehelll, Seagal knows he is innocent and he didn’t do anything wrong. The only left to do…go on a bloody murdering spree to prove he is innocent.

After the bad guys kill his wife, there is nothing holding him back. He vows to his assistants father that he will avenge her death and his wife’s death before his wife’s funeral. SO, in one week, he travels between New York City, China, Eastern Europe and back again a few times, hunting down and killing the men who did him wrong. He kills 22 men, and every time he does so, he does while standing still, one arm tied behind his back, and I swear I saw him yawn once.

Memorable Moments
• Excessive and Gratuitous Nudity
• Seagal going to a CHINESE PRISON and his cell mate is a black American street thug in there for smuggling weed
• Seagal hooks up with the chic cop at his wife’s funeral
• Seagal NEVER GETS HURT ONCE, nothing not even a scratch

by UberBrian

# posted by UberHaters @ 9:23 PM