Wednesday, January 18, 2006
This movie was so bad that we couldn't set through it. We couldn't force ourselves to watch the entire movie. It started out so bad. Nothing but bad dialogue between two guys getting ready to steal something from somebody. Well that somebody was a guy that slept in a full baby bonnet suit... it was as creepy as you would expect. Well the robbery went south and the dude wearing the bonnet got shot. Then the two thieves were driving away in the middle of nowhere and they ran over a girl who was crossing the road. In the middle of nowhere a girl crossed the road, yeah retarded. So then a nothing happens except bad dialogue and we couldn't take it anymore so we went to the last chapter.
We get there and see a bunch of guys with guns and crosses searching through a house and getting attacked by vampiyaz. These guys never realized to just look behind doors before they entered. All of them die and a girl in a wheelchair is hooked up to some sort of bomb controlled by a state of the art casio watch. They didn't diffuse the bomb in time and she blew up and sprayed Kool Aid all over the wall. Blah, blah, blah some guy kills all the vampiyaz movie over. Thank God for that! Absolutely terrible!!!!
• The fact that if the F bomb didn't exist, there would be no script
• When the Vampiyaz attacked, they used the exact same sound effect of the monsters from Doom 2
• When the girl blew up she lifted off like a rocket. Straight up... WTF!
Friday, January 13, 2006
It has been a couple of weeks since I have seen this movie and my brain has already blocked most of it out, but I am pretty sure it starts out with two young whipper snappers making out in the woods and the "fiend" kills the girl. I must say that the "Fiend" was very scary, but not in the right kind of scary. He looked like a creepy peeping tom/Pedephile, and we were actually proven right. He wore a sweet A turtle neck and had a sweet A mustache. As it turns out he also was a chronic masturbator. But he gets his jollys by stabbing pictures of girls he has killed... hey whatever works is what I say; I mean who am I to judge. However when he raped a little girl is where i have to draw the line on sexual pleasure. Okay he didn't really rape a little girl, but that is sure what it seemed liked he was doing when he killed the little girl to keep him from dying and keeping him looking refreshed. I'm pretty sure this was the main story line. But who cares about that. So he's raping a little girl and then he rapes J.J. and a kid who followed the "Fiend" is watching. J.J. doesn't even put up fight; I guess they couldn't choreograph a fight scene for him (see Galaxy Invader). I was saddened to watch J.J. die, he truly might be the ugliest man on earth. He has facial features that make him look like a 12 year old boy yet is probably a 45 year old man.
Anyways... the "Fined" is raping and masturbating some more, and our hero is off chatting it up with the kid that saw J.J. get raped and chatting it up with some cemetery grounds keeper. Which i might add, we found the grounds keeper to be much more funny when we decided he was an old black stereotypical man saying things like "Yes Sir" and "No Sir". No we're not racist or anything... no really we're not. So the hero with his sweet A mustache goes to rescue his wife. Which i must say they had the most awkward moments by any two people that were supposed to be a couple I have ever seen. I guess we can just chalk that up to those oscar performances. So hero fights with "Fiend" and their mustaches also fight it out. Finally I think the kid stabs the "Fiend" with a pair of big scissors or something. Yeah I know you love how exciting i described the endding to you. Just as exciting as it was to watch it.
• The "Fiends" name was Longfellow
• Pointless scense of people walking through woods
• The fact that the "Fiend" has an old crappy steak knife in a box like its a real treasure.
So this glorious story starts out with a guy and gal randomly parked in a field drinking some cheap wine and making out. These two are pretty f'in drunk and getting ready to drive away. (I guess DUI didn't exist in the late 70's) ALL OF A SUDDEN....what was that noise? Naaah, it couldn't be.....surely not.....AAH IT IS. An Alien attacks them, killing the boyfriend as we see the girlfriend run away. That will sober you up. These two totally underestimated the alien factor. We had to give props though because the alien did look "menacing" as UberBrad said. Well, there is some diologue scenes that of course were done POORLY. OH...and the sherrif looked like he was straight from the Beastie Boys "Sabatoge" video.
Out of nowhere it keeps cutting to a scene of someones feet while a strange glowing effect kept making noise. These scenes lasted WAAY to long. Then we see another alien.....wearing blue jeans....and only blue jeans. We didn't really see him again...or did we?? More dialogue, bla bla bla, and people walking around in the woods, and strangely enough, they would always meet other people just walking around in the woods. Even though everyone knows there are killer aliens in the woods.
Well, it comes down to the Sabatoge sheriff, the mayor, and some psychic guy hunting them down. One big ol' alien that looks like a Sasquatch and Star Wars sand people hybrid, attacks and kills the mayor. He obviously overlooked the alien factor. It seems that nobody cares that he died. Oh well, on with the movie. Some stupid chic is walking through the woods and finds psychic guy. Uh Oh, LOOK OUT! There is a giant monster attacking them.....no wait, it is a lame claymation monster, or is it a ghost...I don't know, the special effects were awfull. Well psychic guy kills the clay alien with his plasma gun and traps him in a box with Slimer, but he took some damage. Suddenly he looks different. Wait a second...thats blue jean alien! Well, the girl thanks him, and blue jean alien explains what is going on, and what needs to be done to make everything safe. While he is in mid-sentence BOOM, Sabatoge Sherrif shoots blue jean alien with a shotgun, he didn't even consider the alien factor. Roll credits!
• Kids find body that was melted by alien factor...it didn't bother them a bit
• Old characters from Galaxy Invader (sweet sweet JJ)
• Alien "stalking" someone's house, but all we see is a black screen and occasionaly a light, for about 1:30.
• Snow on the ground, NO snow on the ground, Snow on the ground, NO snow on the ground,
• Motorcycle rider running over girl....just the whole scene was pathetic.
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Frankenfish is based on this bad guy who genetically enhances salmon so he can hunt them for sport. But then one of his friends "takes it too far", thus creating a frankenfish. This "fish" has super hunting powers, can breathe out of water, totally dominates alligators, and is hung like a rhino. I'm getting a little excited. Well, the players in this movie are a lame Nick Cannon clone, some biologist in a bikini top, 2 cajun nudists (potheads), some voodoo lady, her daughter w/jerk off boyfriend, and Ricardo, the hardcore Vietnam vet, and Elmer. I'll save you a bunch of time here. Frankenfish eats Elmer, bites the head off of cajun nudist guy, then eats cajun nudist girl. Ricardo kills Frankenfish and eats his heart. Then ANOTHER Frankenfish eats Ricardo, and sets his house boat on fire. Then the house shoots bikini biologist in the face with a shotgun from 50 yards away. Frankenfish bites voodoo lady in half. All thats left is Nick Cannon Clone, daughter, and jerk off boyfriend. You get all that? ok good.
Then the bad guys show up, Frankenfish properly eats one of the them, then throws another into the prop of a fanboat. Bloody guts and spatter are flung all about. So a couple of the bad guys and the other three players leave to finish the hunt. They find MegaFrankenfish, who eats the 2 bad guys, then chases the 3 players in a fanboat. Jerk off boyfriend falls out gets eatin by little Frankenfishes, and Nick Cannon clone and daughter trick MegaFrankenfish by slamming theboat into some trees and it jumps into the fanboat being chopped to pieces.
There was no plot to this movie at all. Just crappy CGI, the standard gratuitous nudity scene, and as myself and UberRed realized, a deep moral, teaching us that genetic animal enhancement is WRONG!
• Cajun pothead nudist guy flopping about after his head gets bitten off
• Well timed comic relief by jerk off boyfriend (yeah right)
• Shot gun laying on the ground, shooting girl in the face
• "I know how to get out of here, we just need to" BOOMM...... (see moment #3)
Why did Shaft get kidnapped you ask yourself? Well I’m not really sure. Something about a slave trader and they wanted Shaft to do some undercover work as a slave and wanted to send him back to Africa… oh I mean send him to Africa. So Shaft goes to Africa with his big stick and gets himself a dog, makes sweet sweet lovin’ to the kidnapper’s daughter while throwing out the line “You’ve had some gooood teachins baby” and meets up with an African dude to help him become a slave or something like that. Other crap happens Shaft kicks some ass after his dog gets killed and is asked how big his stick is by the bad guys girlfriend and he replies “Baby, by now it's shrunk down to 20 inches”… good ol Shaft. He love "the ladies".
To sum up the movie Shaft busts up the slave ring, gets the girl, hooked up with the girl he gets in a corn field (the one with some gooood teachins), remembers that he gave the bad guys girlfriend all 20 plus inches, remembers that the bad guys girlfriend was white, almost got another girl but after looking back is glad that he didn’t (big girl), kills all the bad guys and probably only got one STD. Now that’s a good week! Shaft Shaft… shut yo mouth!
- The fact that we think they actually killed the dog and not faked it somehow.
- One of the kidnappers looked like a white guy with dirty brown face paint so that he was black.
- The very crapy fighting that went on throughout the whole movie, I mean I think the mom in Galaxy Invader delivered better hits.