Friday, December 30, 2005
Fast forward to present time. 3 Niggas are trying to get a rap deal but the suck...the suck bad. They talk to Ice-T and he shuts them down. They later decide to break into his place and steal stuff, but they broke the case the Leprechaun was in, and they set him free. For the rest of the movie these three Niggas are running from Ice-T and the Leprechaun. EVeryone wants their magical flute that hypnotises everyone....man I am getting retarded just thinking about this.
They go to a Church to hide, and the preacher cusses like crazy and tries to bang hoes. Leprechaun uses a Jedi force to make people explode, then he controls on the Niggas and makes him shoot himself in the head, and gets his flute back. Alright, now this is how they end it. Leprechaun has a weakness for weed, and bitches, so these two tough ass street runnin thugs, dress up as women to get into his layer. They give him a joint made of 4 leaf clovers to knock him out, and they get their flute. On their way out, Ice-T kills one of the them, some fighting and shooting happens, then the trap Leprechaun with the medallion.
End scene, the rapper finally made it big as a rapper, but then you find out he is a zombie controlled by Leprechaun..I dont know. Outro, Leprechaun raps about being a "Lep in da Hood, Up to no good"
• Leprechaun always speaking in limiric
• Leprechaun being the guy from Willow, which is creepy itself
• Rapper Postmaster P, delivers a positive message with homicide, breaking and entering, and drug use.
• Thugs in church rapping about Jesus bangin hoes, and people loving it.
Monday, December 26, 2005
It starts out with a billionaire badass who likes to hunt exotic animals with his fellow badasses. So he gets a giant military developed python… why the military wants a giant python *shrug*. Now the billionaires crew were a bunch of losers who were trying as hard as they possibly could to act tough, well except for one of the dudes son who was acting as hard as he could to act stupid for comic relieve I guess. Oh yeah, billionaires girlfriend has a gratuitous nudity scene towards the beginning of the movie and then wears camouflage that Lora croft would approve of. So those are the ruthless bunch of thugs and with all of them combined they managed to kill an FBI agent (who was mistaken for a GIANT SNAKE by a SNIPER) and burn a bunch of military guys who deserve to be burned alive by just standing there.
So the python is loose and biting people in half and so the FBI decides to use a giant boa constrictor to kill the python. Lucky for them there is just such a guy who has a giant boa. Enter hot girl that rigs the boa up with tracking devices and who can hold her breath for hours and who keeps saying “my implants” and a boa constrictor owner and we have a bad movie.
Boa fights with python couple of times, billionaire is arrested only to sneak away from an army base with a big army vehicle (the keys were probably in the visor) and then snakes make their way to a night club. Then finally we have a final battle between boa, python, billionaire, boa owner, hot girl, and a subway train. Results: bad movie. Well the subway train runs over giant python and his head gets ripped off but not before billionaire gets his head ripped off. All horror is now over. No more 30 year old teenagers necking in the woods will be killed and pleasured by 100 foot long python snakes. By the way, there were never apache helicopters anywhere in the movie!
- Python snake actually eating a girl out in the woods, and the girl not knowing her boyfriend was replaced by a giant snake.
- The group of badasses walking in a line in slow motion to show their badassness.
- One of the bad guys trying to throw a grenade and throws it at his own feet.
- An oversized 20 mph speed limit sign on the side of a highway.
- The fact that "just outside of Philadelphia" is in the middle of the desert.
Sunday, December 18, 2005
• Mother thinking about daughter, but apparently her only memory is of her trying to jump rope, but sucks at it and always hits her feet
• Bad guy constantly smoking and sneaking around, but no-one EVER sees or smells the smoke.
• This movie holds the record for most guns with silencers on it. They even put a silencer on an AK-47.
• Bad guy breaking chair to get little leg to attack Seagal, his little hop turn around, just to get chopped in the throat and killed.
• The numerous ways Seagal can kill a man just by pushing him into a pond or tripping him.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
• Two queers queerin it up on a mountain.
• One of the gay cowboy's wives not knowing that her husband queered it up on a mountain.
• "I wish I could quit you." -Gay cowboy about other gay cowboy.
Saturday, December 10, 2005
So the main hippie, oh I mean character, discovers that all of this is going to happen and tries to tell the government but no one believes him… wow that’s some quality original writing. To make things even better hippie #1’s son went to New York City, which is one of the top areas for the super cold storm to hit… oh have I not mentioned that yet… my bad. So when the north Atlantic current shifted it apparently created huge hurricane like storms over land that sucks in extremely cold air that freezes everything. See people this is what happens, driving around in your SUV’s and your corporate oil companies (I guess that’s how hippie’s minds work).
So yada yada yada, main hippie decides he has to walk to NYC from Philadelphia to save his son, who of course is surviving this ice age storm and super bionic extreme wolves. Hey, apparently a small local zoo in NYC has some explaining to do. That’s the only explanation I can think of for zoo wolves reverting back to their natural state… way beyond their natural state in hunting humans through a gigantic ship in the streets of New York. So after about twenty self sacrificing moves from multiple hippies the main hippie finally gets to New York after the storms are over and finds his hippie son and his hippie friends and a hippie black homeless guy still alive in the NYC library by burning books in a big fireplace and everyone is happy. Well except for the hippie black homeless guy, apparently he was arrested for burning library books to stay warm.
• Bionic wolves chasing after people
• The fact this movie is supposed to scare people into not polluting.
• Extreme cold being held by wooden door to keep hippies alive in the library.
Here is the basic storyline. 1. Some EXTREME guys and gals are going to Austria to make an EXTREME commercial for a camcorder. 2. While they are there some evil terrorists are hiding out in the cabin next door. (By the way, these are the most dangerous men in the world says the news) Obviously, the two storylines cross, and the EXTREME kids are forced to take out the terrorists with their EXTREME skillz! However, when watching this movie, you find out that most of it is footage of them snowboarding down a mountain numerous times. In between that, there are many awkward scenes of EXTREME flirting, EXTREME teen antics, and EXTREME running away from dogs.
1 whole hour into the movie, the plot with the terrorists is introduced. The bad guys (and a Dominoes Pizza guy) start chasing the EXTREME kids in a helicopter. There are numerous sniper shotgun rounds fired, and a pizza guy taking a snowboard to the gut and falling to his death. It ends up, the EXTREME pyrotechnics guy ramps over the helicopter, throws a rope into the tail prop causeing it to hault and crash into a mountain. Thats right, they took out the most dangerous men in the world with a front flip and a rope. Then, on their way down manage to get the avalanche shot they came for in the first place. Lucky for them, they had 2 camcorders in their pocket. So actually, these EXTREME kids did absolutely nothing. Well, some chic fired a missile at the helicopter but missed. She probably couldn't see it though because her lips were so big. Seriously, if we were comparing celebrity lips, this bitch made Angelina Jolie look like Sean Penn. AAaah, I digress, THE MOVIE SUCKED!
• If you put a few hot rocks into a frozen tub of water, you get instant bowling water hot tub
• The bad guy sniping a moving target from 100 yards away, with an uzi
• The bad guy in his Old Navy smock, dramatically showing his good side while delivering an EXTREME line
• The fact that a rope can easily take down a chopper
• Creepy villian watching Devan Sawa hula dancing.
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
[Quick Overview: Bad guys kill someone close to Seagal, Seagal goes on a butt kicking/killing spree to get his revenge.]
So the movie starts out with a greasy haired pony tail wearing Native American Son Of A Bitch… oh I mean Steven Seagal. This time he plays the role of an awarding winning professor from Yale (it’s possible). As soon as we put this DVD in, it was great. The main menu looked like the boot up screen from a Sega Genesis game. After, we were done making the midi soundtrack, we started the movie.
The opening scene takes place in a strip club. Only, all of the dancers are completely dressed, except for some chic who is dancing in the street window naked... Whatever. Anyway, a shootout happens, but it lasts waaaay too long. I think they just looped a 10 second clip about 4 times, but from different camera angles. Next, we cut to Seagal’s character in China searching for artifacts. He finds out the bad guys are smuggling drugs in his artifacts, so they chase him down guns a’blazin and kill his assistant. Border patrol picks him up and tries to pin on him numerous counts of smuggling, and murder. Wwehehehehelll, Seagal knows he is innocent and he didn’t do anything wrong. The only left to do…go on a bloody murdering spree to prove he is innocent.
After the bad guys kill his wife, there is nothing holding him back. He vows to his assistants father that he will avenge her death and his wife’s death before his wife’s funeral. SO, in one week, he travels between New York City, China, Eastern Europe and back again a few times, hunting down and killing the men who did him wrong. He kills 22 men, and every time he does so, he does while standing still, one arm tied behind his back, and I swear I saw him yawn once.
• Excessive and Gratuitous Nudity
• Seagal going to a CHINESE PRISON and his cell mate is a black American street thug in there for smuggling weed
• Seagal hooks up with the chic cop at his wife’s funeral
• Seagal NEVER GETS HURT ONCE, nothing not even a scratch
So the movie starts out with a greasy haired pony tail wearing Native American Son Of A Bitch… oh I mean Steven Seagal. And I ran, I ran so far away. I just ran, I ran all night and day… whoa, sorry about that; that would be A Flock of Seagulls. Right, so… Seagal’s friend or brother or son or some relative gets killed by bad guys. Uh. Who would have guessed? Seagal goes to investigate where his friend died, and it’s in a small town (of course) and no in the town is being cooperative. So he goes into the local bar to get answers (of course) (I wonder how many times I can say (of course) in this post?) and some of the local bad boys decide to pick a fight with him (of course). There is about 6 or 7 “tough” dudes to one Seagal, and Seagal calmly and methodically whoops their ass (of course).
Ok so it’s all a typical Seagal movie, local hot and single women catches seagal's eye and they eventually fall in love after Seagal helps her out (of course). Anyways, Seagal finds out that the people who killed his friend were dumping toxic chemicals in a coal mine making people in the town sick and Seagal’s friend found that out and the bad people killed him. So basically all the bad people try to kill Seagal with automatic weapons and Seagal never gets hit once (of course), and Seagal beats and kills them all and saves the town (of course).
• Seagal decides that a key to a women’s heart is to fix her crappy house.
• Seagal NEVER GETS HURT ONCE, nothing not even a scratch.
Oh man, oh man, there was one part where Batman and Robin were in the Batcopter above the ocean and Batman was going down the Batladder and a big shark comes up and grabs onto his leg. He says to Robin he say, he says, he says to him he says, "Robin.....Hand me....the....Anti-Shark Bat Repellant." So, then Robin, he goes to the Bat shelf and looks around "hhmmmm..Anti-Stingray Bat Repellant? nooo... Anti-Eel Bat Repellant? nooo.. aah here it is, Anti-Shark Bat Repellant." So then Robin, he quickly goes down the Batladder to give the spray to Batman, but stops about six feet above him. He then SLOWLY wraps his legs around the Batladder and starts to hang upside down to hand the Batspray to Batman. Well, anyway, Batman gets the Batspray, properly Batsprays the shark. The shark then lets go of his Batleg, falls to the water, and instantly explodes.
Here comes the circular logic that will make your head explode. How can a shark explode when it hits the water? oooohhh, we later find out the shark was a robot sent by the baddies. but wait it minute...if it was a robot, how did the Anti-Shark Bat Repellant work? Discuss.
Ahaha, then, oh man, then one time they had a big ol' bomb that was about to explode and they had to get rid of it. Robin suggests they just leave the bomb in the bar where it is and dig this man, dig this, Batman he says to him he says, he says, he says something to the tune of "Now Robin, they may be raging alcoholics, but they are still people."
So, Batman is running around trying to find a place for this bomb right? He goes this way..OH NO, a mom and her baby, go this way, OH NO..ducks in the water, go this way OH NO...a marching band...go this way, and he hides behind some pipesBOOOM. you basically see the bomb blow up in his hands. Robin comes to check it out, and Batman pops out from behind something with a line like "Good thing that........Bat trash can was there to shield the blow" AHHAHAha oooh man I loved that part. THIS WAS THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER!
• eh....I can't really remember any. Wasn't paying that close of attention
+10 min- So far I've seen a Skyline with a ground effects kit driving over a bridge
+12 min- Ok, the skyline raced a classic camaro, but barely got over 50 mph
+15 min- Someone shoots up the skyline, it goes to the shop
+16 min- The driver of the skyline is a drug dealer
+30 min- ummmm...no racing.
+45 min- still no racing.
+60 min- oohh a chase scene...but it is at idle speeds through a loading dock
End of movie-........ok, there was absolutely no racing whatsoever in this movie. I guess, some of the characters had nice cars, and when the guy got his skyline back, he did a donut, but not before melting off one wheel because he couldn't get positive traction.
This movie was riddle with lame stunts, poor acting, boring writing, and ugly british people. Typical, main character cuts deal with cops to bring in the bigger fish, then main character sets up big fish, screws big fish, but figures out a way to screw the cops and make a getaway with all the loot.
• Droppin a gear during opening race, and taking the tach up to, wait for it, 4,000 rpm
• Crushing a guy in a parking garage with his own car
• The drug containers looking suspiciously like sexual toys
• Not being able to figure out if the guys girlfriend was hot or not
• Seeing the guys girlfriend and the (female) cop in the shower together at the end
• Realizing the girlfriend and the cop are neither one hot
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Anyways, all the other characters have their little story, and let’s not forget the movie opens looking through a riffle scope of a sniper and he takes out a bike rider. Then he stands up and yells “BOOM HEADSHOT!!”… no wait that was some moron playing a video game. Well this sniper goes to the championship game and decides to shoot people there; I think maybe he was going to shoot the president or something, who cares really. This movie is 126 minutes long. One hundred and twenty-six minutes long. He shoots most of the characters they spent so much time talking about, and Charlton Heston saves the day. He really did he was the super cop. So all in all, a lot of people died and the writers of the movie didn’t know how to explain why the sniper did what he did, so the got inventive and decided to just not tell. UberTom says “it’s because his mom didn't change his diaper, and his teacher didn't call on him." Whatever you want to believe. Did I mention this movie was 126 minutes long?
•Dad hitting his poor little child.
•A 56 year old “Star” quarterback.
•Having an entire movie of pointless character setups just to kill them.
• David Letterman trying to sell sock puppets
• Andy Richter impersonating a Harem girl
• Iceberg Monster
• "These pipes, are cleeeeeeeeeaaan!"
• Great music and dance sequence.
•Kid wearing “Fly shorts”.
Norris finds out his brother is kidnapped and so on and so on, Norris kicks the corrupt cops asses a couple of times, takes his shirt off and kicks their asses some more. He also falls in love with the “hot” girl of the town who has an abusive husband/boyfriend. Well Norris kicks his ass too, takes his shirt off and kicks it some more. Let’s not forget that 62.8% of the movie is Norris being chased in this big truck by the cops and I swear he keep putting on tighter and tighter pants.
Norris calls for backup for the final fight, and about 10-20 truckers come to his rescue and drive through the town, and I mean through houses, barns, and offices. Did I mention that the town was the same town at the end of “Blazing Saddles”. Norris rescues his brother, gets his women and is the result of f’ing up the entire corrupt town. Yeaaaah!
• Norris kicking some major ass, then getting beat pretty good, getting his second wind and kicking some major uber ass.
• Sexual tension between J.D. and a truck stop waitress.
• Thugs never understanding not to take on Chuck Norris one on one.
• Norris giving his finisher “The Round House Kick To Da Face Bitch”
Blah Blah, Arnold kicks some Russian ass, blah blah, Arnold gets ready to get some booty with this glamour’s 80's slu... actress but passes out drunk, blah blah, Arnold kicks more Russian ass. By the end of the movie Arnold puts Rolling Stones, “Satisfaction” in the tape deck of his LeBaron and kicks all of Russia’s ass, and saves his daughter... no that’s not it... Arnold frees himself from the game show of death... no no... um... oh yeah, Arnold kills the alien by putting mud on himself... son of a... ARNOLD WINS!
• Classic one liners from Arnold like this beauty “Don’t drink and Bake!”
• Arnold plays “Satisfaction” by the Rolling Stones to amp up the final battle.
• Typical Arnold action movie stunts.
• Arnold flexing his enormous acting muscle
• Awkward moments between the wife and carpenter
• Hardcore overacted enthusiasm by the carpenter
They notice that recently there have been a lot of frogs in the area. They don't really bother to figure out why, mostly because they don't have time since the frogs have other plans. Even though this movie is called "Frogs", the frogs don't do anything AT ALL, except clips of frogs hopping around are pasted in between each scene. These little snippets probably add up to about 82% of the movie's length. Apparently these frogs have telepathic powers? Maybe? Hell, I don't know. But the frogs don't do anything, but other reptiles and critters do.
So now, the family is all gathered for the 4th of July, and by golly Grandpa says they are going to have a party, no matter what! Well, family members start dying all over the place, but they aren't really killed by frogs or reptiles, more like accidents while frogs and reptiles are around. And dig this...one lady gets killed by tree moss. You heard me correct, tree moss attacked and killed a lady. Even with all of this happening, the Grandpa is unphased and continues to have his little 4ht of July party. His family is dying all around him, but he still plays his turntable and eats his cake. Well, a couple of them make it off the islan....wait a minute, IT WAS MAINLAND AND THEY ARE ALL RETARDED! hmmmmm.....damn it, where is that shotgun.
• Grandpa stuck in his ways
• Old lady chasing butterflies, gets killed by tree moss
• The creepy sexual tension between the brother and sister
• The look on Myrle's face when the movie was over
• No ramp + Dirtbike = Superman over 10 foot wall while shooting bad guy and landing on flat ground combo. 250 points
• Dinner tray skateboard then dinner tray bullet shield
• James Bond-esque car that can take out the North Dakota Militia
• Sinnester guards dialogue
• Cute little piñata bashing in some guys skull
• A guy feeling up a girl but it never showed her boob
• Jaime Presley in a small bikini
Story 1. A guy finds a car he falls in love with and buys it. Later he finds out that his car can talk and has a mind of it's own. The car gets jelous of the guys girlfriend and she.....she.........*snore.....snore* AAH, what happened? Man, that part sucked. Oh, he's driving away in the car, I guess he chose the car.
Story 2. A girl just can't get a date no matter how hard she tried. She finds out about this dating service that guarantees a perfect match. She goes and applies and what not, and shortly after, is matched up with a man. They go on a few dates, and they are perfect together. When they go home they....th......*nods off* GAA, it happend again. Oh, no, he is smoking and sparking. Hey, turns out he was a robot.
Story 3. This one takes the cake. This super slacker of a dude leaves a casserole in his fridge for way too long. Eventually, it evolves into a man. But, just his torso. From the waste up, it is a whole mane, except made of moldy casserole. But here is the clincher. He is super smart and super nice. They become best friends, but the slacker dude, starts to think about getting rid of him. The casserole man keeps talking about how slacker dude shouldn't get rid of him, but he never actually becomes violent or threatening. The fridge eventually gets unplugged, I don't remember if it was an accident or intentional.
• uuhhhh....there really aren't any. It was truly a bad movie
As soon as he gets here, be meets a friend. Pretzie the local park Pretzel vendor. Only, he sells them out of a creepy picnic basket while he wears a scarf and beanie cap. I am pretty sure this guy is the retarded twin of Woody Allen. Oh that Pretzie and his paranoid ways. Well, Hercules is ignorant to Earth ways, and Pretzie needs someone to protect him so they become a team, a duo.
Again, its been a while since I've seen this one, so I don't remember everything that happens concerning the storyline, but I do rememeber key elements of the story. So, quick rundown. Hercules finds girl, fights a bear for her in central park, becomes famous wrestler, Pretzie sells him out, new manager is crooked and takes Hercules somewhere, Hercules beats up all the goons, gets girl back, happy ending. There was also a subplot of Hercules mom wanting him to come back for some reason, but it is just there for confliction.
• Hercules fist fights bear, bear goes fistacuffs
• During bear fight...night time, day time, night time, day time
• Pretzie....that's it, just Pretzie
• Arnold flexing his enormous acting muscle
It is halloween and the local radio DJ, who is super a wacky type DJ, is known for his pranks that he pulls every year. And this year is no exception. However, he got a little more than what he bargained for. An alien race comes down to Earth and lands near the Radio station and makes that their home base. You guessed it, the take over the building, the DJ starts freaking out talking about aliens invading, and nobody believes him. They just listen on and laugh.
I guess the aliens came for our women, because they used the radio somehow to kidnapp them and magically shrink them and put them in jars. Also, mold started growing all over the place in the studio. Meanwhile, the stupid DJ is just hangin out telling whats happening while the alien drives the microphones like a plane.
After a super bright news anchor woman figures whats going on, they try to kill the aliens but fail. FINALLY, they discover the only thing that will kill them, is simple houes hold cleaning agents that destroy mold and fungus. Go figure.
• The craftiness of the female reporter
• Antics of the DJ
• Ridiculous kidnapping of women
• Popcorn gun that shoots life draining popcorn
• Two teens find their big top space ship in the middle of a forest and decide "neat, lets go in!"
• People wrapped in cotton candy coccoons
Monday, December 05, 2005
Not much really happens story wise but there are pleny of stupid and pointless scenes stapled together to hold together a film that I guess you could call a movie.
Let's see here, what kind of scenes do you ask? I shall tell you.
• Military leader almost drowns in 1 foot of water.
• Comic relief soldiers barely know how to fire their weapons.
• Tank battles that look like remote control cars shooting bottle rockets.
• Topless sex scene that happens while they are stalking their enemy.
• The ending. 1-because it is so random, 2-because it was finally over.
Monsturd tells the story of how a company called Dutech was doing secret experiments when an accident happens killing one of the scientists. The head honcho ends up stuffing the body in a barrell of toxic waste, then dumping it into the local sewer system. Meanwhile across town, recently escaped convict, Jack Schmidt, wanders into the same area where he meets his ultimate doom. Of course, everyone knows what toxic waste and a sewer will do....and Jack Schmidt becomes Monsturd.
The rest of the movie consists of an FBI agent, a drunken sheriff , and his bumbling deputies trying to capture and kill the Monsturd. They recruit the help of anyone that will listen to them and use the most obvious yet unorthodox weapons they can get their hands on.
• Classic classic ad-libbed dialogue in the diner scene.
• Plenty of continuity problems throughout the entire movie.
• Jack Schmidt running through an "empty field"
• An order of millions of flies that can be delivered in one day.
This is by far the best bad movie we have ever seen. It was basically created by the family of Don Dohler in someones backyard with a budget the same size as your local grade schools Easter play. The movie starts with "state of the art" digital effects and a very suspensful scene that introduces the Galaxy Invader to viewers where he attacks a couple at home. From here on out, the movie should be called, "Drunken Hillbillies and Their Wacky Shenanigans."
There are two basic storylines in this movie.
1. A college professor and former student try to find the Galaxy Invader to help him and study him.
2. Two drunken rednecks gather a small army to capture Galaxy Invader and sell him to the Russians.
THE RACE IS ON!
• Pa wears the exact same torn shirt for about 5 days straight apparently.
• JJ tries to control his father but fails. A BRUTAL fight ensues that looks more like something off of "Darrins Dance Moves."
• Many quotable lines that are delivered with as much enthusiasm as a freshly salted slug.
• The ending. Makes the entire movie worth watching.