Friday, January 13, 2006

 

  • Fiend
  • Here we go with another installment of the Don Dohler Classic Collection. Let me tell you that this one did not disapoint by not being disapointing. So it has all the great aspects of a Don Dohler Classic: the crapy blue tint film, the awesome casio keyboard sound effects, J.J., the awesome special effects and lets not forget the oscar worthy acting.

    It has been a couple of weeks since I have seen this movie and my brain has already blocked most of it out, but I am pretty sure it starts out with two young whipper snappers making out in the woods and the "fiend" kills the girl. I must say that the "Fiend" was very scary, but not in the right kind of scary. He looked like a creepy peeping tom/Pedephile, and we were actually proven right. He wore a sweet A turtle neck and had a sweet A mustache. As it turns out he also was a chronic masturbator. But he gets his jollys by stabbing pictures of girls he has killed... hey whatever works is what I say; I mean who am I to judge. However when he raped a little girl is where i have to draw the line on sexual pleasure. Okay he didn't really rape a little girl, but that is sure what it seemed liked he was doing when he killed the little girl to keep him from dying and keeping him looking refreshed. I'm pretty sure this was the main story line. But who cares about that. So he's raping a little girl and then he rapes J.J. and a kid who followed the "Fiend" is watching. J.J. doesn't even put up fight; I guess they couldn't choreograph a fight scene for him (see Galaxy Invader). I was saddened to watch J.J. die, he truly might be the ugliest man on earth. He has facial features that make him look like a 12 year old boy yet is probably a 45 year old man.

    Anyways... the "Fined" is raping and masturbating some more, and our hero is off chatting it up with the kid that saw J.J. get raped and chatting it up with some cemetery grounds keeper. Which i might add, we found the grounds keeper to be much more funny when we decided he was an old black stereotypical man saying things like "Yes Sir" and "No Sir". No we're not racist or anything... no really we're not. So the hero with his sweet A mustache goes to rescue his wife. Which i must say they had the most awkward moments by any two people that were supposed to be a couple I have ever seen. I guess we can just chalk that up to those oscar performances. So hero fights with "Fiend" and their mustaches also fight it out. Finally I think the kid stabs the "Fiend" with a pair of big scissors or something. Yeah I know you love how exciting i described the endding to you. Just as exciting as it was to watch it.

    Memorable Moments
    • The "Fiends" name was Longfellow
    • Pointless scense of people walking through woods
    • The fact that the "Fiend" has an old crappy steak knife in a box like its a real treasure.


    UberRed

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