Monday, June 05, 2006


Date Movie

Ok, first of all, most of the time when you rent this kind of movie you know what you're in for. Movies like Scary Movie, Not Another Teen Movie, and such, are supposed to be stupid and ridiculous. But Date Movie, takes this genre to a whole new level of bad....TRULY bad. This movie wasn't even remotely funny. I think there was one time in the movie where I actually laughed out of humor. Any other noise I made during this movie was one of disgust or embarrasement.

As the movie starts, it has a rather humerous opening sequence that provoked a couple chuckles, and a pretty decent "ha ha" moment. From here on out, NOT FUNNY! All this movie is, is re-enacting scenes from other romantic comedies. And I don't mean, the made fun of them, they pretty much copied the scenes exactly. Don't even think about some sort of a plot. They just strung a lot of various movie scenes together.

This review isn't as much to make fun of this movie as it is to warn you..DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE!

Memorable Moments
• The scene of "Jinxers" the cat using the toilet, and it lasting WAAAY too long. A tiny chuckle quickly becoming "when will this end?"
• How 15 minutes into the movie, I wished it were over and I wanted to shoot myself in the face.
• The only funny part of the movie...of which I shalln't say because in the event you DO watch this movie..I don't want to ruin it. But so you know what I'm talking about, she is feeling depressed and goes to her freezer to get something to eat.
• The cover showing all these characters, and each character is in the film for about 3 seconds each.

by UberBrian

Monday, February 06, 2006


Monster Man

Okey Dokey, lets get this over with. This movie starts out with an annoying nerd and an annoying asshole. Other reviews call this guy "the next Jack Black", and the people who say this obviously live in caves. Anyway, they are taking a road trip to some girls wedding so nerd guy can profess his love for her. Pretty much the first 30 minutes of this movie is the two guys riding in the car while asshole guy annoys EVERYBODY!.

They go into bars while asshole guy makes fun of everyone, then a monster truck starts ramming them on the highway. Of course, they see a hot girl hitchhiking. They don't pick her up, but she sneaks into their car later down the road.
...SEX SCENE!!! wheeee..... wait a minute.....she is keeping all her clothes on....ooh man, it's PG-13 I guess. Well, ok..I guess I will still watch. She is on top of nerd dude (thats right) and all of sudden starts talking like Yoda (thats right). Lines like "Do or die, there is no try, young jedi" and "I feel the force flowing through you" were said in a low raspy voice. (thats right).
Monster Man in his Monster Truck runs over people and takes their body parts to rebuild his Frankestein brother or something. Turns out, hot hitchhiker chic is their sister, and was playing nerd guy and asshole guy the whole time. She set them to take their body parts.

The end of the movie takes a dark twist. This movie goes from spooky road trip horror flick, to demonic, satanic, movie that makes you want to pray for forgiveness just because you saw it.
Nerd guy kills Monster Man by outsmarting him and forcing him to run into a coat rack or something. Then they run over him in his truck for about 5 hours.

I can't continue....this movie was horrible, don't watch it.

Memorable Moments
• Asshole dude "eating out" roadkilled cat in his sleep.
• Monster Man's schwager
• Creepy people who have missing limbs.

And Introducing
"WTF?" Moment
• Girl having sex with guy and quoting Yoda from Star Wars.


Wednesday, January 18, 2006


  • Vampiyaz
  • So we were really eager to watch Vampiyaz. It looked and sounded awesome. Rappers -vs- Vampiyaz, I mean come on... that's awesome in a bad sort of way. We finally get a chance to watch it, and it is the worst movie I have ever seen. Uberbrian says, "I had thought I had seen the worst movie in the world with Leprechaun In the Hood, until I saw Vampiyaz."

    This movie was so bad that we couldn't set through it. We couldn't force ourselves to watch the entire movie. It started out so bad. Nothing but bad dialogue between two guys getting ready to steal something from somebody. Well that somebody was a guy that slept in a full baby bonnet suit... it was as creepy as you would expect. Well the robbery went south and the dude wearing the bonnet got shot. Then the two thieves were driving away in the middle of nowhere and they ran over a girl who was crossing the road. In the middle of nowhere a girl crossed the road, yeah retarded. So then a nothing happens except bad dialogue and we couldn't take it anymore so we went to the last chapter.

    We get there and see a bunch of guys with guns and crosses searching through a house and getting attacked by vampiyaz. These guys never realized to just look behind doors before they entered. All of them die and a girl in a wheelchair is hooked up to some sort of bomb controlled by a state of the art casio watch. They didn't diffuse the bomb in time and she blew up and sprayed Kool Aid all over the wall. Blah, blah, blah some guy kills all the vampiyaz movie over. Thank God for that! Absolutely terrible!!!!

    memorable Moments
    • The fact that if the F bomb didn't exist, there would be no script
    • When the Vampiyaz attacked, they used the exact same sound effect of the monsters from Doom 2
    • When the girl blew up she lifted off like a rocket. Straight up... WTF!


    Friday, January 13, 2006


  • Fiend
  • Here we go with another installment of the Don Dohler Classic Collection. Let me tell you that this one did not disapoint by not being disapointing. So it has all the great aspects of a Don Dohler Classic: the crapy blue tint film, the awesome casio keyboard sound effects, J.J., the awesome special effects and lets not forget the oscar worthy acting.

    It has been a couple of weeks since I have seen this movie and my brain has already blocked most of it out, but I am pretty sure it starts out with two young whipper snappers making out in the woods and the "fiend" kills the girl. I must say that the "Fiend" was very scary, but not in the right kind of scary. He looked like a creepy peeping tom/Pedephile, and we were actually proven right. He wore a sweet A turtle neck and had a sweet A mustache. As it turns out he also was a chronic masturbator. But he gets his jollys by stabbing pictures of girls he has killed... hey whatever works is what I say; I mean who am I to judge. However when he raped a little girl is where i have to draw the line on sexual pleasure. Okay he didn't really rape a little girl, but that is sure what it seemed liked he was doing when he killed the little girl to keep him from dying and keeping him looking refreshed. I'm pretty sure this was the main story line. But who cares about that. So he's raping a little girl and then he rapes J.J. and a kid who followed the "Fiend" is watching. J.J. doesn't even put up fight; I guess they couldn't choreograph a fight scene for him (see Galaxy Invader). I was saddened to watch J.J. die, he truly might be the ugliest man on earth. He has facial features that make him look like a 12 year old boy yet is probably a 45 year old man.

    Anyways... the "Fined" is raping and masturbating some more, and our hero is off chatting it up with the kid that saw J.J. get raped and chatting it up with some cemetery grounds keeper. Which i might add, we found the grounds keeper to be much more funny when we decided he was an old black stereotypical man saying things like "Yes Sir" and "No Sir". No we're not racist or anything... no really we're not. So the hero with his sweet A mustache goes to rescue his wife. Which i must say they had the most awkward moments by any two people that were supposed to be a couple I have ever seen. I guess we can just chalk that up to those oscar performances. So hero fights with "Fiend" and their mustaches also fight it out. Finally I think the kid stabs the "Fiend" with a pair of big scissors or something. Yeah I know you love how exciting i described the endding to you. Just as exciting as it was to watch it.

    Memorable Moments
    • The "Fiends" name was Longfellow
    • Pointless scense of people walking through woods
    • The fact that the "Fiend" has an old crappy steak knife in a box like its a real treasure.



  • Alien Factor
  • I have to say that Don Dohler is a master of making movies. Bad movies that is. While this movie wasn't as good (bad) as Galaxy Invader, it still had enough elements for us to be totally confused, entertained, and plenty of jokes were made throughout the movie. I would say it falls into my top 10....maybe.

    So this glorious story starts out with a guy and gal randomly parked in a field drinking some cheap wine and making out. These two are pretty f'in drunk and getting ready to drive away. (I guess DUI didn't exist in the late 70's) ALL OF A SUDDEN....what was that noise? Naaah, it couldn't be.....surely not.....AAH IT IS. An Alien attacks them, killing the boyfriend as we see the girlfriend run away. That will sober you up. These two totally underestimated the alien factor. We had to give props though because the alien did look "menacing" as UberBrad said. Well, there is some diologue scenes that of course were done POORLY. OH...and the sherrif looked like he was straight from the Beastie Boys "Sabatoge" video.

    Out of nowhere it keeps cutting to a scene of someones feet while a strange glowing effect kept making noise. These scenes lasted WAAY to long. Then we see another alien.....wearing blue jeans....and only blue jeans. We didn't really see him again...or did we?? More dialogue, bla bla bla, and people walking around in the woods, and strangely enough, they would always meet other people just walking around in the woods. Even though everyone knows there are killer aliens in the woods.

    Well, it comes down to the Sabatoge sheriff, the mayor, and some psychic guy hunting them down. One big ol' alien that looks like a Sasquatch and Star Wars sand people hybrid, attacks and kills the mayor. He obviously overlooked the alien factor. It seems that nobody cares that he died. Oh well, on with the movie. Some stupid chic is walking through the woods and finds psychic guy. Uh Oh, LOOK OUT! There is a giant monster attacking wait, it is a lame claymation monster, or is it a ghost...I don't know, the special effects were awfull. Well psychic guy kills the clay alien with his plasma gun and traps him in a box with Slimer, but he took some damage. Suddenly he looks different. Wait a second...thats blue jean alien! Well, the girl thanks him, and blue jean alien explains what is going on, and what needs to be done to make everything safe. While he is in mid-sentence BOOM, Sabatoge Sherrif shoots blue jean alien with a shotgun, he didn't even consider the alien factor. Roll credits!

    Memorable Moments
    • Kids find body that was melted by alien didn't bother them a bit
    • Old characters from Galaxy Invader (sweet sweet JJ)
    • Alien "stalking" someone's house, but all we see is a black screen and occasionaly a light, for about 1:30.
    • Snow on the ground, NO snow on the ground,
    Snow on the ground, NO snow on the ground,
    • Motorcycle rider running over girl....just the whole scene was pathetic.

    by UberBrian

    Saturday, January 07, 2006


  • Frankenfish
  • Sci-Fi channel....I love you. The only problem is, you cut out all the good parts and force me to watch the DVD. So that is what I did for Frankenfish. I must say, this movie helped me have more faith in the crappy movie. After watching Boa vs Python followed up by Leprechaun in the Hood, I was about to poke my eyes out. ANYWAY, on to the review.

    Frankenfish is based on this bad guy who genetically enhances salmon so he can hunt them for sport. But then one of his friends "takes it too far", thus creating a frankenfish. This "fish" has super hunting powers, can breathe out of water, totally dominates alligators, and is hung like a rhino. I'm getting a little excited. Well, the players in this movie are a lame Nick Cannon clone, some biologist in a bikini top, 2 cajun nudists (potheads), some voodoo lady, her daughter w/jerk off boyfriend, and Ricardo, the hardcore Vietnam vet, and Elmer. I'll save you a bunch of time here. Frankenfish eats Elmer, bites the head off of cajun nudist guy, then eats cajun nudist girl. Ricardo kills Frankenfish and eats his heart. Then ANOTHER Frankenfish eats Ricardo, and sets his house boat on fire. Then the house shoots bikini biologist in the face with a shotgun from 50 yards away. Frankenfish bites voodoo lady in half. All thats left is Nick Cannon Clone, daughter, and jerk off boyfriend. You get all that? ok good.

    Then the bad guys show up, Frankenfish properly eats one of the them, then throws another into the prop of a fanboat. Bloody guts and spatter are flung all about. So a couple of the bad guys and the other three players leave to finish the hunt. They find MegaFrankenfish, who eats the 2 bad guys, then chases the 3 players in a fanboat. Jerk off boyfriend falls out gets eatin by little Frankenfishes, and Nick Cannon clone and daughter trick MegaFrankenfish by slamming theboat into some trees and it jumps into the fanboat being chopped to pieces.

    There was no plot to this movie at all. Just crappy CGI, the standard gratuitous nudity scene, and as myself and UberRed realized, a deep moral, teaching us that genetic animal enhancement is WRONG!

    Memorable Moments
    • Cajun pothead nudist guy flopping about after his head gets bitten off
    • Well timed comic relief by jerk off boyfriend (yeah right)
    • Shot gun laying on the ground, shooting girl in the face
    • "I know how to get out of here, we just need to" BOOMM...... (see moment #3)

    by UberBrian


  • Shaft In Africa
  • Oh Richard Roundtree you hot sexy man you. You know, if I were a movie writer, and I had Richard Roundtree as my lead man, I would probably write a scene where he is naked for absolutely no reason. You would think that the writers for this movie would do the same… oh wait a second… they did. Big ol’ Shaft gets taken out with a tranquilizer dart and wakes up in a barn completely nude. Then Shaft has to fight a big African guy with his big ol’ stick. Yep, fights the guy with his big wooden stick. Well Shaft gets distracted and gets knocked out again, this time he wakes up in some sort of weird desert room and Shaft is told to walk around the little room for hours while still being completely naked at this point, but smooth Shaft decides just to burry himself in the sand, and the kidnappers are satisfied with that I guess.

    Why did Shaft get kidnapped you ask yourself? Well I’m not really sure. Something about a slave trader and they wanted Shaft to do some undercover work as a slave and wanted to send him back to Africa… oh I mean send him to Africa. So Shaft goes to Africa with his big stick and gets himself a dog, makes sweet sweet lovin’ to the kidnapper’s daughter while throwing out the line “You’ve had some gooood teachins baby” and meets up with an African dude to help him become a slave or something like that. Other crap happens Shaft kicks some ass after his dog gets killed and is asked how big his stick is by the bad guys girlfriend and he replies “Baby, by now it's shrunk down to 20 inches”… good ol Shaft. He love "the ladies".

    To sum up the movie Shaft busts up the slave ring, gets the girl, hooked up with the girl he gets in a corn field (the one with some gooood teachins), remembers that he gave the bad guys girlfriend all 20 plus inches, remembers that the bad guys girlfriend was white, almost got another girl but after looking back is glad that he didn’t (big girl), kills all the bad guys and probably only got one STD. Now that’s a good week! Shaft Shaft… shut yo mouth!

    Memorable moments:
    by UberRed

    Friday, December 30, 2005


  • Leprechaun in the Hood
  • Ugghh...Here we go. I think I have alreayd blocked a lot of this out. The movie starts out in the seventies with a Afro wearing Ice-T and some guy finding a leprechaun statue with a pot of gold, a gold flute, and gold medalion around his neck. Ice-T just wants the flute and tells the other guy he can have the rest. So the first thing he does is take the medalion. Well this brings Leprechaun to life, he quotes Martin Luther King Jr. about being free, and stabs the guy in the neck with his afro pick.

    Fast forward to present time. 3 Niggas are trying to get a rap deal but the suck...the suck bad. They talk to Ice-T and he shuts them down. They later decide to break into his place and steal stuff, but they broke the case the Leprechaun was in, and they set him free. For the rest of the movie these three Niggas are running from Ice-T and the Leprechaun. EVeryone wants their magical flute that hypnotises I am getting retarded just thinking about this.

    They go to a Church to hide, and the preacher cusses like crazy and tries to bang hoes. Leprechaun uses a Jedi force to make people explode, then he controls on the Niggas and makes him shoot himself in the head, and gets his flute back. Alright, now this is how they end it. Leprechaun has a weakness for weed, and bitches, so these two tough ass street runnin thugs, dress up as women to get into his layer. They give him a joint made of 4 leaf clovers to knock him out, and they get their flute. On their way out, Ice-T kills one of the them, some fighting and shooting happens, then the trap Leprechaun with the medallion.

    End scene, the rapper finally made it big as a rapper, but then you find out he is a zombie controlled by Leprechaun..I dont know. Outro, Leprechaun raps about being a "Lep in da Hood, Up to no good"

    Memorable Moments
    • Leprechaun always speaking in limiric
    • Leprechaun being the guy from Willow, which is creepy itself
    • Rapper Postmaster P, delivers a positive message with homicide, breaking and entering, and drug use.
    • Thugs in church rapping about Jesus bangin hoes, and people loving it.

    by UberBrian

    Monday, December 26, 2005


  • Boa vs Python
  • Alright there are bad movies then there are horrendous movies and then there is Boa vs Python. If this movie was not a Sci-Fi original, I’m not sure what would be. First off, let’s start with the cover of the movie. It shows two snakes battling it out in the middle of a city with a apache helicopter firing missiles at them. Now let’s fast forward to what actually happened.
    It starts out with a billionaire badass who likes to hunt exotic animals with his fellow badasses. So he gets a giant military developed python… why the military wants a giant python *shrug*. Now the billionaires crew were a bunch of losers who were trying as hard as they possibly could to act tough, well except for one of the dudes son who was acting as hard as he could to act stupid for comic relieve I guess. Oh yeah, billionaires girlfriend has a gratuitous nudity scene towards the beginning of the movie and then wears camouflage that Lora croft would approve of. So those are the ruthless bunch of thugs and with all of them combined they managed to kill an FBI agent (who was mistaken for a GIANT SNAKE by a SNIPER) and burn a bunch of military guys who deserve to be burned alive by just standing there.
    So the python is loose and biting people in half and so the FBI decides to use a giant boa constrictor to kill the python. Lucky for them there is just such a guy who has a giant boa. Enter hot girl that rigs the boa up with tracking devices and who can hold her breath for hours and who keeps saying “my implants” and a boa constrictor owner and we have a bad movie.
    Boa fights with python couple of times, billionaire is arrested only to sneak away from an army base with a big army vehicle (the keys were probably in the visor) and then snakes make their way to a night club. Then finally we have a final battle between boa, python, billionaire, boa owner, hot girl, and a subway train. Results: bad movie. Well the subway train runs over giant python and his head gets ripped off but not before billionaire gets his head ripped off. All horror is now over. No more 30 year old teenagers necking in the woods will be killed and pleasured by 100 foot long python snakes. By the way, there were never apache helicopters anywhere in the movie!

    Memorable Moments:

    by UberRed

    Sunday, December 18, 2005


  • The Foreigner
  • This was a Steven Seagul movie that was a little bit different than the others. In this movie he goes on a murderous revenge killing spree for no reason really. Honestly, when we watched this movie we had absolutely no idea what was going on for a storyline. It wasn't a typical Seagal movie though. One time, some black british dude hid in Seagals apartment, and knocked him out from behind, then tied a rope around his neck and interrogated him. I KNOW...KNOCKED HIM OUT!!? Well, eventually, Seagal outsmarted him and blew him up with a bomb the size of a shoebox that completely flattened a train station. Another time some black dude dressed in a silk suit that worked for the government got the jump on Seagal. Well, Seagul outsmarted him and threw a bomb at him that was attached to a CD. It cut into the guys stomach and blew him up. Seagal through out the line "I just love a BBQ". Suddenly, the movie just ended with a less than impressive fight sequence involving a guy picking up a chair, just to break it and attack Seagal with a stumpy chair leg.

    Memorable Moments:
    • Mother thinking about daughter, but apparently her only memory is of her trying to jump rope, but sucks at it and always hits her feet
    • Bad guy constantly smoking and sneaking around, but no-one EVER sees or smells the smoke.
    • This movie holds the record for most guns with silencers on it. They even put a silencer on an AK-47.
    • Bad guy breaking chair to get little leg to attack Seagal, his little hop turn around, just to get chopped in the throat and killed.
    • The numerous ways Seagal can kill a man just by pushing him into a pond or tripping him.

    by UberBrian

    Thursday, December 15, 2005


  • Brokeback Mountain
  • This review is based entirely on previews and tv spots. It's not that I hate gays, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna pay to see two queers queerin' it up on the side of a mountain. So basically what happens is this: two queers queer it up on the side of a mountain (I assume it's called Brokeback Mountain). When the two homos come back to town, they try to keep their queerness hidden. Eventually they get older and marry females, but nothing will ever compare to those steamy gay nights up on that mountain.

    Memorable Moments:
    • Two queers queerin it up on a mountain.
    • One of the gay cowboy's wives not knowing that her husband queered it up on a mountain.
    • "I wish I could quit you." -Gay cowboy about other gay cowboy.

    by UberBrenton

    Saturday, December 10, 2005


  • The Day After Tommorrow
  • This movie has to be the most expensive “save the world don’t pollute” commercial ever made. I wouldn’t have ever guessed that tree huggers could get so much money. Anyways, apparently global warming caused polar ice caps to break off into the Atlantic Ocean and they melted and messed up the fresh water to salt water ratio and changed the north Atlantic current and… hahaha, I couldn’t keep typing with a straight face… that really is the explanation this movie gave for all the natural disasters that happened. This movie had some good special effects though. The first 30 minutes of this film was pretty awesome. Huge hail storms, Hollywood being ransacked by tornados, all very spectacular, but that is where this movie stops being good (in an actual good sort of way).

    So the main hippie, oh I mean character, discovers that all of this is going to happen and tries to tell the government but no one believes him… wow that’s some quality original writing. To make things even better hippie #1’s son went to New York City, which is one of the top areas for the super cold storm to hit… oh have I not mentioned that yet… my bad. So when the north Atlantic current shifted it apparently created huge hurricane like storms over land that sucks in extremely cold air that freezes everything. See people this is what happens, driving around in your SUV’s and your corporate oil companies (I guess that’s how hippie’s minds work).

    So yada yada yada, main hippie decides he has to walk to NYC from Philadelphia to save his son, who of course is surviving this ice age storm and super bionic extreme wolves. Hey, apparently a small local zoo in NYC has some explaining to do. That’s the only explanation I can think of for zoo wolves reverting back to their natural state… way beyond their natural state in hunting humans through a gigantic ship in the streets of New York. So after about twenty self sacrificing moves from multiple hippies the main hippie finally gets to New York after the storms are over and finds his hippie son and his hippie friends and a hippie black homeless guy still alive in the NYC library by burning books in a big fireplace and everyone is happy. Well except for the hippie black homeless guy, apparently he was arrested for burning library books to stay warm.

    Memorable Moments
    • Bionic wolves chasing after people
    • The fact this movie is supposed to scare people into not polluting.
    • Extreme cold being held by wooden door to keep hippies alive in the library.



  • Extreme Ops
  • The only way one could enjoy this movie is if they were 13 years old, mentally retarded, blind, and def. Extreme Ops falls into a catagorie of it's own. UBER EXTREME! And, it is the only movie in that genre.

    Here is the basic storyline. 1. Some EXTREME guys and gals are going to Austria to make an EXTREME commercial for a camcorder. 2. While they are there some evil terrorists are hiding out in the cabin next door. (By the way, these are the most dangerous men in the world says the news) Obviously, the two storylines cross, and the EXTREME kids are forced to take out the terrorists with their EXTREME skillz! However, when watching this movie, you find out that most of it is footage of them snowboarding down a mountain numerous times. In between that, there are many awkward scenes of EXTREME flirting, EXTREME teen antics, and EXTREME running away from dogs.

    1 whole hour into the movie, the plot with the terrorists is introduced. The bad guys (and a Dominoes Pizza guy) start chasing the EXTREME kids in a helicopter. There are numerous sniper shotgun rounds fired, and a pizza guy taking a snowboard to the gut and falling to his death. It ends up, the EXTREME pyrotechnics guy ramps over the helicopter, throws a rope into the tail prop causeing it to hault and crash into a mountain. Thats right, they took out the most dangerous men in the world with a front flip and a rope. Then, on their way down manage to get the avalanche shot they came for in the first place. Lucky for them, they had 2 camcorders in their pocket. So actually, these EXTREME kids did absolutely nothing. Well, some chic fired a missile at the helicopter but missed. She probably couldn't see it though because her lips were so big. Seriously, if we were comparing celebrity lips, this bitch made Angelina Jolie look like Sean Penn. AAaah, I digress, THE MOVIE SUCKED!

    Memorable Moments
    • If you put a few hot rocks into a frozen tub of water, you get instant bowling water hot tub
    • The bad guy sniping a moving target from 100 yards away, with an uzi
    • The bad guy in his Old Navy smock, dramatically showing his good side while delivering an EXTREME line
    • The fact that a rope can easily take down a chopper
    • Creepy villian watching Devan Sawa hula dancing.

    by UberBrian

    Wednesday, December 07, 2005


  • Out for a Kill
  • [Quick Overview: Bad guys kill someone close to Seagal, Seagal goes on a butt kicking/killing spree to get his revenge.]

    So the movie starts out with a greasy haired pony tail wearing Native American Son Of A Bitch… oh I mean Steven Seagal. This time he plays the role of an awarding winning professor from Yale (it’s possible). As soon as we put this DVD in, it was great. The main menu looked like the boot up screen from a Sega Genesis game. After, we were done making the midi soundtrack, we started the movie.

    The opening scene takes place in a strip club. Only, all of the dancers are completely dressed, except for some chic who is dancing in the street window naked... Whatever. Anyway, a shootout happens, but it lasts waaaay too long. I think they just looped a 10 second clip about 4 times, but from different camera angles. Next, we cut to Seagal’s character in China searching for artifacts. He finds out the bad guys are smuggling drugs in his artifacts, so they chase him down guns a’blazin and kill his assistant. Border patrol picks him up and tries to pin on him numerous counts of smuggling, and murder. Wwehehehehelll, Seagal knows he is innocent and he didn’t do anything wrong. The only left to do…go on a bloody murdering spree to prove he is innocent.

    After the bad guys kill his wife, there is nothing holding him back. He vows to his assistants father that he will avenge her death and his wife’s death before his wife’s funeral. SO, in one week, he travels between New York City, China, Eastern Europe and back again a few times, hunting down and killing the men who did him wrong. He kills 22 men, and every time he does so, he does while standing still, one arm tied behind his back, and I swear I saw him yawn once.

    Memorable Moments
    • Excessive and Gratuitous Nudity
    • Seagal going to a CHINESE PRISON and his cell mate is a black American street thug in there for smuggling weed
    • Seagal hooks up with the chic cop at his wife’s funeral
    • Seagal NEVER GETS HURT ONCE, nothing not even a scratch

    by UberBrian


  • Fire Down Below
  • [Quick Overview: Bad guys kill someone close to Seagal, Seagal goes on a butt kicking/killing spree to get his revenge.]

    So the movie starts out with a greasy haired pony tail wearing Native American Son Of A Bitch… oh I mean Steven Seagal.
    And I ran, I ran so far away. I just ran, I ran all night and day… whoa, sorry about that; that would be A Flock of Seagulls. Right, so… Seagal’s friend or brother or son or some relative gets killed by bad guys. Uh. Who would have guessed? Seagal goes to investigate where his friend died, and it’s in a small town (of course) and no in the town is being cooperative. So he goes into the local bar to get answers (of course) (I wonder how many times I can say (of course) in this post?) and some of the local bad boys decide to pick a fight with him (of course). There is about 6 or 7 “tough” dudes to one Seagal, and Seagal calmly and methodically whoops their ass (of course).

    Ok so it’s all a typical Seagal movie, local hot and single women catches seagal's eye and they eventually fall in love after Seagal helps her out (of course). Anyways, Seagal finds out that the people who killed his friend were dumping toxic chemicals in a coal mine making people in the town sick and Seagal’s friend found that out and the bad people killed him. So basically all the bad people try to kill Seagal with automatic weapons and Seagal never gets hit once (of course), and Seagal beats and kills them all and saves the town (of course).

    Memorable Moments
    • Seagal decides that a key to a women’s heart is to fix her crappy house.
    • Seagal NEVER GETS HURT ONCE, nothing not even a scratch.



  • Batman the Movie
  • This is the original Batman movie from 1966 starring Adam West. It is just as ridiculous as the TV show, and follows the exact kind of plot. The Joker, Riddler, and Penguin combine forces to take over the world. They make a weapon that dehydrates people into a little pile of dirt. Just add water, poof, instant person. So they dehydrate their henchmen, and get them ready for battle. Of course their henchmen's names were written on their shirts, and their name matched whatever role they had as a henchman.

    Oh man, oh man, there was one part where Batman and Robin were in the Batcopter above the ocean and Batman was going down the Batladder and a big shark comes up and grabs onto his leg. He says to Robin he say, he says, he says to him he says, "Robin.....Hand me....the....Anti-Shark Bat Repellant." So, then Robin, he goes to the Bat shelf and looks around "hhmmmm..Anti-Stingray Bat Repellant? nooo... Anti-Eel Bat Repellant? nooo.. aah here it is, Anti-Shark Bat Repellant." So then Robin, he quickly goes down the Batladder to give the spray to Batman, but stops about six feet above him. He then SLOWLY wraps his legs around the Batladder and starts to hang upside down to hand the Batspray to Batman. Well, anyway, Batman gets the Batspray, properly Batsprays the shark. The shark then lets go of his Batleg, falls to the water, and instantly explodes.

    Here comes the circular logic that will make your head explode. How can a shark explode when it hits the water? oooohhh, we later find out the shark was a robot sent by the baddies. but wait it minute...if it was a robot, how did the Anti-Shark Bat Repellant work? Discuss.

    Ahaha, then, oh man, then one time they had a big ol' bomb that was about to explode and they had to get rid of it. Robin suggests they just leave the bomb in the bar where it is and dig this man, dig this, Batman he says to him he says, he says, he says something to the tune of "Now Robin, they may be raging alcoholics, but they are still people."

    So, Batman is running around trying to find a place for this bomb right? He goes this way..OH NO, a mom and her baby, go this way, OH NO..ducks in the water, go this way OH NO...a marching band...go this way, and he hides behind some pipesBOOOM. you basically see the bomb blow up in his hands. Robin comes to check it out, and Batman pops out from behind something with a line like "Good thing that........Bat trash can was there to shield the blow" AHHAHAha oooh man I loved that part. THIS WAS THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER!

    Memorable Moments
    • eh....I can't really remember any. Wasn't paying that close of attention

    by UberBrian


  • Red Lined
  • Vrroooommm. I saw this movie in the dump bin at Wal-Mart, and thought to myself "Self, this Fast and the Furious ripoff looks good (bad)." So I purchased it. I read the back of the box where it told me to get ready for an all out street war of top of line modded Euro-street-racin-rice-burnin excitement. I go home, grab a diet sams soda and my little puppy popcorn tin and get ready for 90 minutes of in your face racing.

    +10 min- So far I've seen a Skyline with a ground effects kit driving over a bridge
    +12 min- Ok, the skyline raced a classic camaro, but barely got over 50 mph
    +15 min- Someone shoots up the skyline, it goes to the shop
    +16 min- The driver of the skyline is a drug dealer
    +30 min- racing.
    +45 min- still no racing.
    +60 min- oohh a chase scene...but it is at idle speeds through a loading dock

    End of movie-........ok, there was absolutely no racing whatsoever in this movie. I guess, some of the characters had nice cars, and when the guy got his skyline back, he did a donut, but not before melting off one wheel because he couldn't get positive traction.

    This movie was riddle with lame stunts, poor acting, boring writing, and ugly british people. Typical, main character cuts deal with cops to bring in the bigger fish, then main character sets up big fish, screws big fish, but figures out a way to screw the cops and make a getaway with all the loot.

    Memorable Moments
    • Droppin a gear during opening race, and taking the tach up to, wait for it, 4,000 rpm
    • Crushing a guy in a parking garage with his own car
    • The drug containers looking suspiciously like sexual toys
    • Not being able to figure out if the guys girlfriend was hot or not
    • Seeing the guys girlfriend and the (female) cop in the shower together at the end
    • Realizing the girlfriend and the cop are neither one hot

    by UberBrian

    Tuesday, December 06, 2005


  • Two Minute Warning
  • Where to begin with this star studded movie. Let’s start with the fact that there are about 5 characters you follow for the first 90min. of this movie, having nothing in common besides all going to the “championship football game”. One of the characters was the “star” quarterback, who looked more like a retired porn star of the late 70’s, but hey I guess in 1979 a 54 year old quarterback with more chest hair than my ex-roommate Steve (inside jokes are great) was normal I don’t know I wasn’t born yet. A family of four was also attending the game. A fun loving family with eyes set wide on having a good time, and the kids keep saying they want this and that and vendors pushing their programs and hats and the dad saying no. Finally, one of the kids tells the vendor “Dad lost his job and we don’t have any money.”, and the dad turning around and giving the son a backhand to the chest that Owen Hart would be proud of.

    Anyways, all the other characters have their little story, and let’s not forget the movie opens looking through a riffle scope of a sniper and he takes out a bike rider. Then he stands up and yells “BOOM HEADSHOT!!”… no wait that was some moron playing a video game. Well this sniper goes to the championship game and decides to shoot people there; I think maybe he was going to shoot the president or something, who cares really. This movie is 126 minutes long. One hundred and twenty-six minutes long. He shoots most of the characters they spent so much time talking about, and Charlton Heston saves the day. He really did he was the super cop. So all in all, a lot of people died and the writers of the movie didn’t know how to explain why the sniper did what he did, so the got inventive and decided to just not tell. UberTom says “it’s because his mom didn't change his diaper, and his teacher didn't call on him." Whatever you want to believe. Did I mention this movie was 126 minutes long?

    Memorable Moments
    •Dad hitting his poor little child.
    •A 56 year old “Star” quarterback.
    •Having an entire movie of pointless character setups just to kill them.



  • Cabin Boy
  • If there is something that I love, it is an epic. Cabin Boy is just that, an epic journey of a young idiot sailing home after graduating finishing school. The movie starts out in a beautifully exclusive school, then moves on to the breathtaking hills and shores of what is probably New Zealand, where our bumbling hero accidentally boards the wrong boat. Apparently, because of these two scenes, the budget went into the red, and they had to scale back. For the rest of the film the backdrop is what appears to be a bed sheet, with a red light behind it, while a couple of guys shake it around. Our breathtaking shores become the YMCA swimming pool. Honest to God, you can see the drains. The special effects become claymation monsters, and apparently, they cut the actors wages, because I think they stopped caring too. Not too many one liners in this review, because well....I guess there wasn't much to work with. This movie is really bad. I loved it.

    Memorable Moments
    • David Letterman trying to sell sock puppets
    • Andy Richter impersonating a Harem girl
    • Iceberg Monster
    • "These pipes, are cleeeeeeeeeaaan!"
    • Great music and dance sequence.

    by UberBrian


  • Black Eagle
  • Jean-Claude Van Damme stars in this movie (I think he stars, and I think it was a movie). He is a bad guy and another dude is the good guy both are bad asses… a little kid is wearing some short neon nylon shorts and UberBrad says “Those are some fly shorts.”… it dragged on… good bad ass kicks some bad guys ass… on…Van Damme shows off his muscles…on…on… I opened up the DVD player (yeah that’s right it was on DVD) threw the DVD across the room, and didn’t pick it up for a month.

    Memorable Moments
    •Kid wearing “Fly shorts”.

    by UberRed


  • Breaker! Breaker!
  • A young Chuck Norris (in very very tight pants) stars in this masterpiece as a former/current/used to be/came back to be truck driver J.D. J.D.’s brother, also a truck driver, went on his first run alone and was forced to take an exit by a cop and was then taken to this little town that I guess ran itself or something. Anyways, the brother was arrested/kidnapped for breaking some stupid law; I think it was giving himself a little trucker love. The corrupt judge found him guilty, then the brother got beat up by the corrupt cops (you seeing a pattern here, corrupt judge, corrupt cops, good writing) after trying to escape.

    Norris finds out his brother is kidnapped and so on and so on, Norris kicks the corrupt cops asses a couple of times, takes his shirt off and kicks their asses some more. He also falls in love with the “hot” girl of the town who has an abusive husband/boyfriend. Well Norris kicks his ass too, takes his shirt off and kicks it some more. Let’s not forget that 62.8% of the movie is Norris being chased in this big truck by the cops and I swear he keep putting on tighter and tighter pants.

    Norris calls for backup for the final fight, and about 10-20 truckers come to his rescue and drive through the town, and I mean through houses, barns, and offices. Did I mention that the town was the same town at the end of “Blazing Saddles”. Norris rescues his brother, gets his women and is the result of f’ing up the entire corrupt town. Yeaaaah!

    Memorable Moments
    • Norris kicking some major ass, then getting beat pretty good, getting his second wind and kicking some major uber ass.
    • Sexual tension between J.D. and a truck stop waitress.
    • Thugs never understanding not to take on Chuck Norris one on one.
    • Norris giving his finisher “The Round House Kick To Da Face Bitch”



  • Raw Deal
  • Arnold Schwarzen....Schwartzen......Schwa....Arnold S. stars in this extravagant thrill seeking adventure. Nah I’m just playing with ya, it sucked. I don’t remember too much of this work of art, but something about Arnold dealing with his drunken wife throwing cakes at him and being forced into going undercover into the Russian mob.

    Blah Blah, Arnold kicks some Russian ass, blah blah, Arnold gets ready to get some booty with this glamour’s 80's slu... actress but passes out drunk, blah blah, Arnold kicks more Russian ass. By the end of the movie Arnold puts Rolling Stones, “Satisfaction” in the tape deck of his LeBaron and kicks all of Russia’s ass, and saves his daughter... no that’s not it... Arnold frees himself from the game show of death... no no... um... oh yeah, Arnold kills the alien by putting mud on himself... son of a... ARNOLD WINS!

    Memorable Moments
    • Classic one liners from Arnold like this beauty “Don’t drink and Bake!”
    • Arnold plays “Satisfaction” by the Rolling Stones to amp up the final battle.
    • Typical Arnold action movie stunts.
    • Arnold flexing his enormous acting muscle



  • The Carpenter
  • Have you ever wondered what it would be like if M. Nite Shyamalon made a crappy movie that had a twist ending that made the whole movie a ridiculous waste ot time? Wait a tic......damn it. Anyways, The Carpenter tells a beautiful story of two crossed lovers. A husband and wife buy a new house that needs renovation. So the construction crew comes during the day. Well at night, the wife keeps waking up to hammers, saws, etc. She goes down to check it out and finds one guy there working. He talks about how dedicated he is bla bla bla. This cycle repeats. The creepy carpenter only works at night time, and the day time crew have no idea who he is. Well, he and the wife get into a fling. Eventually, things start to turn sour and the wife, her sister, and the carpenter start to fight. Guess what...they swing at him, miss, and put a hammer through the wall. Ouch. The Carpenter goes down. Another hammer through the wall, GAAAH. The Carpenter is hurtin. They figure out that they hurt The Carpenter by hurting the house. Can you guess why? Because the Carpetenter IS THE FREAKIN HOUSE! Seriously, 90 minutes of my life gone and there weren't even boobies in this movie. worthless.

    Memorable Moments
    • Awkward moments between the wife and carpenter
    • Hardcore overacted enthusiasm by the carpenter

    by UberBrian


  • Frogs
  • Talk about a weird movie. This is the kind of movie that makes you want to wrap your lips around a 12 gauge shotgun. Not because it is so bad, but because you lose all hope in humanity because at one point, someone thought, "This script looks good, lets invest a lot of money into it." Some environmentalist scientist guy is canoeing in a gulf area (i guess) taking pictures of polution and what not. Some crazy drunks in a speed boat end up tipping his canoe over. So they pick him up and bring him back to the family estate to dry off. He meets the family, and the "plot" is layed out.

    They notice that recently there have been a lot of frogs in the area. They don't really bother to figure out why, mostly because they don't have time since
    the frogs have other plans. Even though this movie is called "Frogs", the frogs don't do anything AT ALL, except clips of frogs hopping around are pasted in between each scene. These little snippets probably add up to about 82% of the movie's length. Apparently these frogs have telepathic powers? Maybe? Hell, I don't know. But the frogs don't do anything, but other reptiles and critters do.

    So now, the family is all gathered for the 4th of July, and by golly Grandpa says they are going to have a party, no matter what! Well, family members start dying all over the place, but they aren't really killed by frogs or reptiles, more like accidents while frogs and reptiles are around. And dig lady gets killed by tree moss. You heard me correct, tree moss attacked and killed a lady. Even with all of this happening, the Grandpa is unphased and continues to have his little 4ht of July party. His family is dying all around him, but he still plays his turntable and eats his cake. Well, a couple of them make it off the islan....wait a minute, IT WAS MAINLAND AND THEY ARE ALL RETARDED! hmmmmm.....damn it, where is that shotgun.

    Memorable Moments
    • Grandpa stuck in his ways
    • Old lady chasing butterflies, gets killed by tree moss
    • The creepy sexual tension between the brother and sister
    • The look on Myrle's face when the movie was over

    by UberBrian


  • xXx
  • Vin Diesel you sexy bastard. If only your acting was as smooth as your head. This movie was your typical action movie thrown together with lots of explosions and a popular lead. Yeah, everything you've ever learned about gravity, physics, and reality itself.....throw it all away when watching this movie. XXX is a hardcore dare devil type guy that gets forced into a secret government spy program. He has to infiltrate....can you guess? An evil billionaire who wants to blow up the world yeah, he does that, gets the girl, kills all the bad guys in magical fashion and then doesn't star in the sequal. shame shame.

    Memorable Moments
    • No ramp + Dirtbike = Superman over 10 foot wall while shooting bad guy and landing on flat ground combo. 250 points
    • Dinner tray skateboard then dinner tray bullet shield
    • James Bond-esque car that can take out the North Dakota Militia
    • Sinnester guards dialogue

    by UberBrian


  • Piñata Survival Island
  • Any movie that is based on Indian Folklore is going to be retarded. This movie was no exception. It starts with a bunch of indians collecting evil spirits and putting them into this little demon statue thing, and they send it off to sea. Fast forward to now, where a bunch of collage students are sent to an island where they are having a MTV style gameshow, only there are no cameras or anything like that. The point is they have to go around and find these piñata's hidden around the island, and inside them is underwear. The team that collects the most underwear wins. But, then one team stumbles across the evil statue and bust it open releasing the evil spirits. The rest of the movie consists of cheap CGI, and generic death scenes. This was probably a Sci-Fi original or something.

    Memorable Moments
    • Cute little piñata bashing in some guys skull
    • A guy feeling up a girl but it never showed her boob
    • Jaime Presley in a small bikini

    by UberBrian


  • With Friends Like These
  • Goodness gracious this movie was lame. I think what the writers of this movie did was go through the trash of the writers from "Tales from the Crypt." There were three seperate 30 minute stories that made up this film, so I will break them down seperately.

    Story 1. A guy finds a car he falls in love with and buys it. Later he finds out that his car can talk and has a mind of it's own. The car gets jelous of the guys girlfriend and she.....she.........*snore.....snore* AAH, what happened? Man, that part sucked. Oh, he's driving away in the car, I guess he chose the car.

    Story 2. A girl just can't get a date no matter how hard she tried. She finds out about this dating service that guarantees a perfect match. She goes and applies and what not, and shortly after, is matched up with a man. They go on a few dates, and they are perfect together. When they go home*nods off* GAA, it happend again. Oh, no, he is smoking and sparking. Hey, turns out he was a robot.

    Story 3. This one takes the cake. This super slacker of a dude leaves a casserole in his fridge for way too long. Eventually, it evolves into a man. But, just his torso. From the waste up, it is a whole mane, except made of moldy casserole. But here is the clincher. He is super smart and super nice. They become best friends, but the slacker dude, starts to think about getting rid of him. The casserole man keeps talking about how slacker dude shouldn't get rid of him, but he never actually becomes violent or threatening. The fridge eventually gets unplugged, I don't remember if it was an accident or intentional.

    Memorable Moments
    • uuhhhh....there really aren't any. It was truly a bad movie

    by UberBrian


  • Hercules in New York
  • Arnold Schwarzen....Schwartzen......Schwa....Arnold S. first movie and it was glorious. He plays Hercules the 1/2 human-god son of Greek god Zeus. He is tired of living with all the other gods and wants to come to Earth to find himself a woman. He is granted his wish, so let the adventure begin.

    As soon as he gets here, be meets a friend. Pretzie the local park Pretzel vendor. Only, he sells them out of a creepy picnic basket while he wears a scarf and beanie cap. I am pretty sure this guy is the retarded twin of Woody Allen. Oh that Pretzie and his paranoid ways. Well, Hercules is ignorant to Earth ways, and Pretzie needs someone to protect him so they become a team, a duo.

    Again, its been a while since I've seen this one, so I don't remember everything that happens concerning the storyline, but I do rememeber key elements of the story. So, quick rundown. Hercules finds girl, fights a bear for her in central park, becomes famous wrestler, Pretzie sells him out, new manager is crooked and takes Hercules somewhere, Hercules beats up all the goons, gets girl back, happy ending. There was also a subplot of Hercules mom wanting him to come back for some reason, but it is just there for confliction.

    Memorable Moments
    • Hercules fist fights bear, bear goes fistacuffs
    • During bear fight...night time, day time, night time, day time
    • Pretzie....that's it, just Pretzie
    • Arnold flexing his enormous acting muscle

    by UberBrian


  • Bad Channels
  • Aaaaaah, yes....Bad Channels. I am pretty sure that this is one of those movies where during production, the crew thought to themselves, "This is movie gold." It was more like movie MOLD.........*cricket sounds*........anyone? no? moving on then.

    It is halloween and the local radio DJ, who is super a wacky type DJ, is known for his pranks that he pulls every year. And this year is no exception. However, he got a little more than what he bargained for. An alien race comes down to Earth and lands near the Radio station and makes that their home base. You guessed it, the take over the building, the DJ starts freaking out talking about aliens invading, and nobody believes him. They just listen on and laugh.

    I guess the aliens came for our women, because they used the radio somehow to kidnapp them and magically shrink them and put them in jars. Also, mold started growing all over the place in the studio. Meanwhile, the stupid DJ is just hangin out telling whats happening while the alien drives the microphones like a plane.

    After a super bright news anchor woman figures whats going on, they try to kill the aliens but fail. FINALLY, they discover the only thing that will kill them, is simple houes hold cleaning agents that destroy mold and fungus. Go figure.

    Memorable Moments
    • The craftiness of the female reporter
    • Antics of the DJ
    • Ridiculous kidnapping of women

    by UberBrian


  • Killer Clowns from Outer Space
  • This is actually a pretty commonly watched bad movie, but it is still classic. The premise of this film is that...well, killer clowns from outer space come to Earth and start kidnapping people. I am not sure why they do this, but they do it none the less. It has been a while since I watched this one, so I don't remember a lot about it. I do remember a bitter sheriff, cotton candy coccoons, and shadow puppets that bite peoples heads off.

    Memorable Moments
    • Popcorn gun that shoots life draining popcorn
    • Two teens find their big top space ship in the middle of a forest and decide "neat, lets go in!"
    • People wrapped in cotton candy coccoons

    by UberBrian

    Monday, December 05, 2005


  • Iron Thunder
  • If you're in the mood for a great sci-fi military thriller, this movie will thoroughly let you down. Again, this story stems from secret government experiments gone wrong. A cybornetic soldier/tank combo (his brain+on board computer+connected=Iron Thunder) goes crazy and the "best-of-the-best" army soldiers are deployed to stop him.
    Not much really happens story wise but there are pleny of stupid and pointless scenes stapled together to hold together a film that I guess you could call a movie.

    Let's see here, what kind of scenes do you ask? I shall tell you.

    Memorable Moments
    • Military leader almost drowns in 1 foot of water.
    • Comic relief soldiers barely know how to fire their weapons.
    • Tank battles that look like remote control cars shooting bottle rockets.
    • Topless sex scene that happens while they are stalking their enemy.
    • The ending. 1-because it is so random, 2-because it was finally over.

    by UberBrian


  • Monsturd
  • I think the name says it all. This is a movie about a poop monster, and you know it was full of bad puns of the like. It was truly enjoyable as a "bad movie" since it was made to be very camp and ridiculous. It was still a great movie and weighs in at a most appropriate #2.

    Monsturd tells the story of how a company called Dutech was doing secret experiments when an accident happens killing one of the scientists. The head honcho ends up stuffing the body in a barrell of toxic waste, then dumping it into the local sewer system. Meanwhile across town, recently escaped convict, Jack Schmidt, wanders into the same area where he meets his ultimate doom. Of course, everyone knows what toxic waste and a sewer will do....and Jack Schmidt becomes Monsturd.

    The rest of the movie consists of an FBI agent, a drunken sheriff , and his bumbling deputies trying to capture and kill the Monsturd. They recruit the help of anyone that will listen to them and use the most obvious yet unorthodox weapons they can get their hands on.

    Memorable Moments
    • Classic classic ad-libbed dialogue in the diner scene.
    • Plenty of continuity problems throughout the entire movie.
    • Jack Schmidt running through an "empty field"
    • An order of millions of flies that can be delivered in one day.

    by UberBrian


  • Galaxy Invader
  • Such beauty, such writing, such acting, such crap!

    This is by far the best bad movie we have ever seen. It was basically created by the family of Don Dohler in someones backyard with a budget the same size as your local grade schools Easter play. The movie starts with "state of the art" digital effects and a very suspensful scene that introduces the Galaxy Invader to viewers where he attacks a couple at home. From here on out, the movie should be called, "Drunken Hillbillies and Their Wacky Shenanigans."

    There are two basic storylines in this movie.
    1. A college professor and former student try to find the Galaxy Invader to help him and study him.
    2. Two drunken rednecks gather a small army to capture Galaxy Invader and sell him to the Russians.


    Memorable Moments

    • Pa wears the exact same torn shirt for about 5 days straight apparently.
    • JJ tries to control his father but fails. A BRUTAL fight ensues that looks more like something off of "Darrins Dance Moves."
    • Many quotable lines that are delivered with as much enthusiasm as a freshly salted slug.
    • The ending. Makes the entire movie worth watching.

    by UberBrian

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